How to tap into JOY and why you need it as you build together

If there is one thing I’ve recognized (and I’m sure at some point along the way you have too) it’s that building together is not for the faint of heart ! There are seasons that seem to take every ounce of our strength and then some.

Seasons change. The ease and difficult was of those seasons can ebb and flow , however we can chose what we build our foundation on , we can chose to lean on every promise of God to get us through and build different along the way .

We can lean on His word to be our constant .

Here is one :

The joy of the Lord is our Strength.

Feeling weary and weak ?

Tap into joy.

Joy isn’t a feeling , though we have been taught that. We don’t think our way into joy. According to the Bible, Joy is a fruit of the Spirit ( Galatians 5:22). It’s an attribute of God and we can chose Joy when we:

1.Dwell in his presence 🙏🏽( make it a priority to spend time in His presence but reading , praising, praying, meditating on his word )

2.Praise Him🙌🏽…God dwells in the praises of his people. What can you thank and praise God for today?

3.Laugh 😆..laughter is medicine. Allow yourself play this weekend and cultivate laughter with your partner.. pick the funny movie, family game night, a fun date night, joke around (with love of course lol )

“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones”- Proverbs 17:22

4. Are obedient to the Spirit by learning and living by the Word of God 🤍 “Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts” Psalm 119:2

Protect your Joy, tap into Joy more and remember Joy gives us STRENGTH for the journey, and real Joy, only is found in Jesus.

Peggy Ruth Joyce explained that in the Old Testament when there were battles the troops would send out the singers and praises before them ..as this would help the soldiers begin to sing and praise before fighting , knowing that it built a mental/emotional and even physical strength.

A helpful reframe may be that joy isn’t a fleeting feeling brought on by close to perfect or enjoyable circumstances …JOY is a posture , a fruit of the spirit , and a choice that blesses our spirits and our relationships.

How will you raise up joy within you today ?

What can you praise God for today ?

Talk to your partner about cultivating more joy together and encouraging each other to do so.

A drive and a divine reminder about building together

As the days are counting down for us to leave our hometown and California to grow new roots in Nevada, I’ve been finding myself taking in my environment much more by just slowing down to notice and appreciate what is here now..

It’s proven true in my experience…that when we are present, mind and body, we get to experience life’s gifts and the divine reminders of the present moment.

And this reminded me of what it can be like building together in our relationships.

I had one of those small, yet divine reminder kind of moments today driving around my town..when I noticed the frame of a new building being built on a main road I drive almost daily (but hadn’t noticed the construction until today). I was curious as to what was being built but I didn’t see a sign explaining what it was, and I definitely couldn’t tell by the wood frame what it would be…

People on the outside may not “get it”. They may not understand why and what you are building. They may not understand the process, or hold the vision (and it’s really not their job to).

Don’t let others lack of understanding of your vision and what you are building distract your focus and energy.

The construction isn’t going to stop because I (an outsider to the project) doesn’t understand the purpose. I have no idea why the frame has X amount of wood beams ( I don’t even know if that is what it is called so forgive me if you are a contractor ), but the construction team/builders and contractors know why. They are carefully following a plan, step by step , with a team who understands the vision.

This is your reminder to focus on:

-getting into connection and alignment with God’s divine guidance

-Building a strong foundation with your partner/ and supportive community

… and to not use your energy comparing your process/building to anyone else‘s. When you look at a building you see the structure but you can’t see with your eyes the frame. If each part of the wooden frame could represent something, I’d say it would represent :

-those difficult conversations you’ve had with your partner that you’ve never shared with anyone, but its brought you both closer

-those intimate moments only you two share

-the inner work you have both done

-the repair moments

-the daily work of building trust that no one sees

-the prayers you say alone for your marriage and the vision you share..

and no one see’s or hears those things but they have been the material you’ve been building with, the frame of what you have created together. May you quiet the outside noise of this season by continuing to build with even more connection to the one who knows your plans, and more focus/attention on who you build with and why you build together.

-Christina

Building Connection During Busy Seasons

We know that the quality of our partnership effects the quality of our lives and a healthy partnership is built on our connection ..connection with self,source and each other.

But how do we find time to create connection when : maybe both of you are in different geographic locations or are faced with the balancing act of work/travel/raising kids /personal development ..the list may go on for you .. and the question of connection is a question I get a lot from the ambitious couples I’ve worked with …AND it’s something that I myself while being in a marriage have learned is a constant practice … one that may look different one season to the next .

What helps you feel most connected with yourself and source ?

When do you feel the most connected to your partner ?

Below are some practical tips to creating more connection even during busy seasons …

1. Create (simple.. key word simple )rituals in your day that nourishes your connection with yourself (with God if you believe )and with your partner. **Remember the solo rituals are necessary, if we don’t feel connected to ourself and our source it becomes difficult to create deep connection with our partner .

Ex. What John Gottman refers to as the “6 second kiss” at the beginning and end of your day , sending a midday text , eating a meal together ..

2. Get things done together – a day date running errands together is a win win . Grab some coffees and get the checklist done together. This is a good opportunity for good conversation (and good coffee).

3. Go for a walk together – this seems so simple it can be annoying I know …but this is something I use pretty frequently in therapy with clients …why? Because walking activates and creates neural connections in certain parts of our brain that helps us to process emotions, elevate mood and can help us think creatively which is good for problem solving …so getting a few things done at once – physical activity (great for health ), connecting with your body and connecting with your partner.

4. Turn towards your partner – your partner most likely “bids” for you to turn your attention towards them several times throughout the day – these are opportunities for connection and trust building -it’s the small “turning towards” often that builds connection.

5. Eliminate distractions – make it a point even if just for a set few minutes to say not to any distractions in order to be present with your partner (easier said than done , but when we create boundaries we are creating space for what we value) …protect the space needed for your relationship to grow.

6. Visualize good connection before it happens. We can often play out in our minds worst case scenarios. The practice of visualizing what we would like to happen has positive effects on our mind & emotions often leading us to move in that direction .

And lastly -remember you have all you need to build connection with your partner , each day is an opportunity & being present is the key

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You have everything you need to build connection with your partner – your presence is the main ingredient .

— Christina Delosangeles (@christina_delos) May 23, 2022

When Making Decisions Together Do This…

I recently listened to an episode on one of my favorite podcasts “Earn Your Happy” by Lori Harder and learned something very interesting that reminded me of an important part of building together that we don’t talk a lot about but is definitely a part of it all:

Deciding together.

That might seem obvious, we are faced with decisions daily and as a couple you have had to make decisions together that shape your future. Decision making can be at times easy and other times very difficult or overwhelming (especially with the amount of options we face these days- decision fatigue is real).

What the podcast episode shared and what I found interesting was the root meaning of the word DECIDE:

“The definition of “Decision” actually has Latin roots. The meaning of the word “decide” comes from the Latin word, decidere, which is a combination of two words: de = ‘OFF’ + caedere = ‘CUT“

When building together it’s important for us to explore and decide what/how we want to build together …as well as what we need to cut off in order to have what we want.

Similarly, this is why in Building Together Coaching we explore values as well as fears and the barriers or distractions that may be in the way of creating a life that reflect those values.

When we decide to pursue a goal it’s necessary to identify what is going to hinder us, what is not necessary and what can be a distraction so we can be ready to respond to them when they come up (these things may not be obvious at first and in fact it may be something we learn during the process).

This may look like putting some things on hold for a season while focusing on a goal or area of life you have decided to prioritize.

Saying yes to one thing is also saying no to the many others. Saying yes in marriage to your partner is also saying no to potential other partners, saying yes to that financial goal is also saying no to the many offers and opportunities to spend money in other ways…

Sometimes the thing that needs to be cut off is our own counterproductive thoughts/doubt/limiting beliefs/instant gratification/ relationships or old habits.

What is it that you are deciding to create more of in your relationship?

What do you need to say no to in order to have it?

Once we DECIDE “this is what we want ” the next step would be to identify what you have to practice saying no to.

A practice: Reframing the “NOs” from being something that you are missing out on to it being an opportunity for creating MORE of what you desire. Stay grateful for the opportunity to say no, the focus and clarity and discipline to say no- because it is getting you closer to your YES.

Discussing with your partner what would clutter your path to getting to your shared goals helps to be on the same page, creates more togetherness in the process and helps create more clarity freeing up our energy to focus on the necessary things to building together.

For more relationship tips and 1:1 Relationship Coaching Click here

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As always I appreciate you reading and want to hear your thoughts and takeaways!

#keepbuildingtogether

-Christina

7 things to Stop doing in your relationship (and 7 things to start…)

Unlearning the bad habits we develop in our communication and interactions with our partner is how we move forward in leveling up or relationship and making room for creating more positive ways of communicating and interacting. Here are some of the very common mistakes couples make when communicating….

The 4 Horseman (Gottman)

According to Dr. John Gottman these first 4 on the list are the things couples do that can over time break a relationship down..

Criticism– this is when we attack our partner’s character instead of addressing or speaking to the concern. When are critical we are unlikely to find a solution to the problem because aren’t pointing at the actual problem we are pointing at our partner.

Try Instead: “I” Statements to express your feelings about the problem to your problem and invite them to share as well. Using what Dr. John Gottman calls a “soft start-up” helps to bring up conversations about concerns in an inviting non- critical way. Here are some Examples:

Contempt– this is when we talk down to our partner’s, dismiss their ideas/opinions, mock them…this is sometimes subtle and quiet ( an eye roll ) or sometimes masked as sarcastic remark during conflict. In a nutshell its being disrespectful to your partner.

Try this instead: Create a culture in the relationship of friendship and RESPECT. Express your appreciation and admiration for your partner more often. Practice respect during conflict- that alone will create an environment where effective communication and shifts can happen.

Defensiveness- when we refuse to take responsibility for our part in the situation, not owning our words/actions/ mistakes. We can’t begin to change what we refuse to look at.

Try this instead: Practice accountability. Own it, without making excuses. Own it so you can free yourself and change what needs to change, so you and your relationship can grow. Ask yourself what your biggest fear is in taking responsibility for your part?

Remember defensiveness is exactly that a defense mechanism- when we “protect” ourselves from the work that needs to be done, we block our growth and the lesson shows up again.

Stonewalling– This is when our nervous system gets overwhelmed aka “flooded” and we shut down. This can look like disengaging. Gottman explains the difference from stonewalling and what it may also look like (silent treatment) – difference being the intention. Stonewalling is a way of protecting ourselves from the overwhelm of emotions. Silent treatment is actively and intentionally disengaging to send a message to our partner. It can be difficult from the outside looking in to tell these two apart.

Instead try this: When it comes to stonewalling the antidote is to call it out, ask for what you need, practice grounding techniques. Calling it out as its happening can be helpful in talking through what you need with your partner. The key is to communicate when you notice yourself becoming flooded. Saying ” I notice I am getting overwhelmed emotionally right now” or ” this conversation is feeling really overwhelming and its important to me, I think I need a few moments and then can we come back to this?”

Explore what helps you regulate your emotions to feel grounded (ex. deep breathing, taking space..) and practice them regularly so that when conflict arises and you feel yourself stonewalling you can pivot and use a grounding technique. Its about aiming for regulating yourself quicker to reconnect with yourself and your partner.

The 6th thing to stop doing (not a Horseman 🙂 ) is : Complaining as a way of connecting. You ever have those conversations with co-workers that turn into a “vent” session about how much you hate work, how much your partner annoys you, how much you blah blah blah… this can become a habit and while it seems

7th – Stop being afraid to build something different together. Start surrounding yourself with environments and conversations that are encouraging, inspiring and in alignment with what you want together-starting at home. Building something different requires first a willingness, a faith when doubt creeps in, a shift in mindset and actions. Most importantly remember WHY (your values) you are building together differently.

Cheering for you always,

Keep Building Together

Christina

For more more guidance , free resources and 1:1 relationship coaching head to my link in bio to schedule a free consultation on instagram @christina_dla or email: buildingtogetherbydesign@gmail.com

Navigating grief & dark places while building together

One thing is for sure, when building a life together …LIFE happens, death happens, the part that is out of your control happens , loss happens and with it we experience grief and pain.

Grief comes in many different forms and how we process and experience these things may look different than our partners….here are som examples of some of life’s challenges when building together …

• Loss of a job
• Loss of a loved one
• an illness or injury
• a sudden change in plans
• a failed plan/disappointment
• a miscarriage
• the end of a friendship
• ….

In a partnership it’s important to make room for both of your experiences and honor the differences.l & be reminded that both can coexist.

In my opinion, one of the most difficult things in this process of building together is witnessing the one we love go through deep pain , and not have the capacity or power to take it from them …it can make us feel helpless , inadequate -it’s a different kind of hurt .

But what I’ve learned is if we were to take it (the hurt,the challenge,the grief) all away from them …we would take away the blessing, the wisdom and the medicine that has been divinely placed within it for them to receive.

If you are experiencing this , I want to remind you to take a deep breath and let go …

Let go of the idea that it’s your place to hold it all for them , take the pain from them or fix the situation they are in … it’s you job as a partner to love, hold them and stand next to them.

Let go of the fear that you or they aren’t enough for the storm …instead place your faith in God who is more than enough and will provide everything that we humanly can’t .Or

Remember no part of the process is by accident , you were both created for such a time as this …even the dark rooms. Dark rooms are where we develop…our faith, our strength and our gifts.

Hold on to the fact that your love , comfort ,consistency, prayers, presence, and empathy are enough for these moments …

Remember to :

• honor the differences of emotions & always stay curious
• keep connection priority
• Support each other in finding rest – sleep/rest fosters emotional healing
• anchor by focusing on your foundation (shared values )
• encourage each other daily
• lean on your tribe -we need each other !

I hope you are encouraged and reminded of how meaningful every part of this journey together is … and that you have everything you need today for it.

Keep loving. Keep building together

-Christina

Relationship reminders by human design type.

Honoring the energetic differences is key. Understanding your own is crucial. See below tips for each human design type .

Generators… remember that your partner (especially if they are not a generator or manifest ) may not be able to keep up with you energetically all the time …

honor your energy ebb & flow as well as there’s . Talk with your partner about the things & the work that lights you up .

Ask your partner to help you gain clarity when you are feeling indecisive by asking you yes/no questions .

Manifesting Generators … often flowing from one project or idea to the next , inform your partner of what you have planned, this invites them in , allows them into your world and creates better connection . Not informing your partner can lead to resistance .

Do not expect (again especially if your partner is not a gen or mani gen) to have the same pace as you… remember the differences can be strengths .

Projectors…go at your pace energetically and let your partner know when you need rest ( be honest with yourself when you need to slow down..it’s not a weakness ) . Talk to you partner about the need to recharge alone in your own energy & space ( when you create this space and time you are replenished and able to bring forth your full present self in the interactions ….which benefits the relationship ).

Manifestors … set time and space to create and try to plan ahead to decrease distractions ..communicate this with your partner .. communicate .communicate !

inform your partner of what you are working on , inspired by , what idea or action you are taking .. not to ask for permission but rather to provide them the information sot why can make informed decisions and also feel connected to you …

Understand where the anger comes from and learn to manage it . Often manifestors can become angry when their creative flow of energy is disrupted . Emotional intelligence and emotional management skills can help manifestors express their anger without hurting the relationship or wasting their energy expressing anger in ineffective ways.

Reflectors …when it comes to big decisions let your partner know you need time to talk it out .. talking it through , hearing yourself is how you gain clarity to make the most aligned decision .

Letting your partner know that you need time will help to create more support and less pressure in the decision making processes .

If you are new to human design and do not know your type click the link below to get your free chart : https://www.mybodygraph.com/free-bodygraph

25 Affirmations to shift your relationship’s narrative

Our words create our worlds, and contribute to the energy within and around us. If you are not an “affirmation” kind of person, I get it. Words alone will not most likely shift your entire relationship… the change in action , habits and connection you are looking for are impacted by the thoughts and words you are speaking about your relationship.

If you are familiar with Pastor Steven Furtick, he in one of his recent sermons addressed anxious thinking and how often we say we “over think” things and situations when really we are UNDER thinking them”…and this made a lot of sense. It made me think about how much time and energy we can spend ruminating over small/constricting thinking that keeps us caught in the limiting beliefs and narratives about ourselves and our relationships. We need to allow ourselves to think beyond our past experiences and old narratives. We need expansive language, new vocabulary, thoughts new narratives that will support us in creating new experiences.

Here are 25 affirmations to begin speaking and thinking everyday to replace those old limiting narratives and thoughts:

1. We are learning how to create more of what we want each day together
2. I am open and curious to learning more about my partner’s interests, fears, and aspirations in life.
3. We are creating new ways of interactions that serve our relationship.
4. We embrace the challenges as opportunities to love deeper and grow together.
5. I am committed to sharing my desires, fears and dreams
6. Together we honor our differences and create shared meaning.
7. Our conversations create connection and more clarity.
8. We hold each other tighter during difficulties and storms.
9. We learn to repair quicker and fight together better.
10. We encourage each other to nurture our personal goals and passions.
11. I take accountability for my words, actions and emotions.
12. I show respect to my partner, even during conflict.
13. I breathe deep to create the space needed to shift my responses during interactions with my partner.
14. I am grateful for the memories and love created, what we are creating now and what is to come in the future.
15. I openly share my needs with my partner and ask how i can support theirs.
16. I am committed to doing things daily that reflect our shared values
17. I am committed to honoring and protecting our relationship
18. We lean into the difficult and uncomfortable conversations and embrace the wisdom that comes from them.
19. We are building together each day with gratitude, consistency, commitment, openness, and love.
20. We have an abundance of time and resources for all we are created to be and do.
21. We create and honor the space for individual growth.
22. Our bond and commitment to each other is sacred.
23. We have fun and enjoy this adventure together
24. We are creating wealth together.
25. We are creating a legacy of love that will positively impact generations after us.

Let me know which of these are your favorite and if you have any of your own that have helped you in strengthening your relationship! Remember these affirmations really are starting points to help shift your thinking and soon you will be creating new narratives (expansive narratives) on your own.

Have a great week building together!

-Christina

6 Tips to Creating Better Mornings Together.

Morning people or not …we all know that having a better start to our day creates good energy and momentum that leads to more of it throughout the day!

Here are 6 tips to creating good energy in the morning 🙂

1. Communicate with your partner what you would like to integrate into your morning rituals ..ex. “ tomorrow morning I am going to try to get up early to _____” or “ id really like to start______in the morning”.

Communication creates clarity for how your partner can support you (like maybe by letting you sleep in or by not disturbing you during your quiet time or even join you on that run ! )

Communication also helps cultivate accountability.

These next 5 tips I want you to think 5 senses : what is something that you enjoy as part of your morning related to sight, smell , taste, touch , sound? How can you incorporate each morning related to one of your senses that makes your morning more enjoyable ? … is there something you and your partner both like as part of your morning ? Ex :

A few ideas :

2. Sight : decluttering, decorating , and placing inspiring items in your vision field that remind you of your “why” can be helpful in setting your mind on those things that matter to you and what the work in your day is moving towards.

3. Smell : first thing that comes to mind is coffee .. set that timer and wake up to it or burn your favorite candle/incense as you begin your day.. I’ve read that peppermint or lemon scent help to

4. Touch: my husband is the type who needs a shower to wake up ( not me ) .. so a cool shower to feel refreshed , some mindful movement to open up your body.. maybe a step outside to feel the morning air on your skin.

5. Taste : I’m always for the simple things in the morning so once again good coffee comes to mind with this one but insert whatever your taste buds enjoy to get you feeling good… oh and water is always a good idea for that good hydration 🙂

6. Sound: the frequencies and words we consume through our ears have a huge impact on our environment and our mood/mindset. Being intentional about what your are listening to can be helpful … ear phones even more helpful if maybe you and your partner don’t share the same things in this category !.. what’s your favorite motivational podcast, music or sounds that helps to set the tone for your day ?

It’s all you creating what you and your partner need and remember it can look different for each of you but it’s all about being aware of each other’s rituals and supporting each other in making each morning more of a reflection of what you want your day to feel like .

I’d love to hear from you what the best part of your morning is for you and your partner this season…

~Christina

Welcome

Welcome to Building Together!

If you are someone who is navigating the twists and turns of pursuing a career while building a relationship or marriage you have landed on the right page and I am excited for you to be here , I have created this space just for you (and for me)!

Building Together 

Is a space for couples to gain more tips, insights and inspiration for the marathon of building a relationship/marriage, pursuing a career, and creating a life together. Here I will share with you :

• weekly blog posts on topics specifically related to the unique challenges & gifts of #buildingtogether
• practical  relationship building tips and exercises you can apply to your everyday life (because application is key !)
• Resources for couples
• Insights on relationship dynamics through the lens of Human Design
• Offerings: including Couples Coaching and Human Design Sessions
• Building Together Podcast

Creating the relationship and life together you desire is work but IS possible and I am excited to have you join me here to create a community in which we celebrate and encourage on the journey!

You can also connect with me on instagram @christina_dla

I imagine a world where we experience a sense of aliveness and vitality in our relationships. The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives-Esther Perel

-Christina