Unlearning the bad habits we develop in our communication and interactions with our partner is how we move forward in leveling up or relationship and making room for creating more positive ways of communicating and interacting. Here are some of the very common mistakes couples make when communicating….
The 4 Horseman (Gottman)
According to Dr. John Gottman these first 4 on the list are the things couples do that can over time break a relationship down..
Criticism– this is when we attack our partner’s character instead of addressing or speaking to the concern. When are critical we are unlikely to find a solution to the problem because aren’t pointing at the actual problem we are pointing at our partner.
Try Instead: “I” Statements to express your feelings about the problem to your problem and invite them to share as well. Using what Dr. John Gottman calls a “soft start-up” helps to bring up conversations about concerns in an inviting non- critical way. Here are some Examples:
Contempt– this is when we talk down to our partner’s, dismiss their ideas/opinions, mock them…this is sometimes subtle and quiet ( an eye roll ) or sometimes masked as sarcastic remark during conflict. In a nutshell its being disrespectful to your partner.
Try this instead: Create a culture in the relationship of friendship and RESPECT. Express your appreciation and admiration for your partner more often. Practice respect during conflict- that alone will create an environment where effective communication and shifts can happen.
Defensiveness- when we refuse to take responsibility for our part in the situation, not owning our words/actions/ mistakes. We can’t begin to change what we refuse to look at.
Try this instead: Practice accountability. Own it, without making excuses. Own it so you can free yourself and change what needs to change, so you and your relationship can grow. Ask yourself what your biggest fear is in taking responsibility for your part?
Remember defensiveness is exactly that a defense mechanism- when we “protect” ourselves from the work that needs to be done, we block our growth and the lesson shows up again.
Stonewalling– This is when our nervous system gets overwhelmed aka “flooded” and we shut down. This can look like disengaging. Gottman explains the difference from stonewalling and what it may also look like (silent treatment) – difference being the intention. Stonewalling is a way of protecting ourselves from the overwhelm of emotions. Silent treatment is actively and intentionally disengaging to send a message to our partner. It can be difficult from the outside looking in to tell these two apart.
Instead try this: When it comes to stonewalling the antidote is to call it out, ask for what you need, practice grounding techniques. Calling it out as its happening can be helpful in talking through what you need with your partner. The key is to communicate when you notice yourself becoming flooded. Saying ” I notice I am getting overwhelmed emotionally right now” or ” this conversation is feeling really overwhelming and its important to me, I think I need a few moments and then can we come back to this?”
Explore what helps you regulate your emotions to feel grounded (ex. deep breathing, taking space..) and practice them regularly so that when conflict arises and you feel yourself stonewalling you can pivot and use a grounding technique. Its about aiming for regulating yourself quicker to reconnect with yourself and your partner.
The 6th thing to stop doing (not a Horseman 🙂 ) is : Complaining as a way of connecting. You ever have those conversations with co-workers that turn into a “vent” session about how much you hate work, how much your partner annoys you, how much you blah blah blah… this can become a habit and while it seems
7th – Stop being afraid to build something different together. Start surrounding yourself with environments and conversations that are encouraging, inspiring and in alignment with what you want together-starting at home. Building something different requires first a willingness, a faith when doubt creeps in, a shift in mindset and actions. Most importantly remember WHY (your values) you are building together differently.
Cheering for you always,
Keep Building Together
Christina
For more more guidance , free resources and 1:1 relationship coaching head to my link in bio to schedule a free consultation on instagram @christina_dla or email: buildingtogetherbydesign@gmail.com
Building Together 